We woke to the phone at 6.30a.m. The first parents of the day to call - did we want them to travel up from Devon. There was nothing they could do, what would be the reasoning, so no. From then on the phone never stopped, so many friends and family members -perhaps calling to make sure they hadn't suffered the most awful dream. At 8 the doctor arrived and the drip to bring on quick contractions was set up. And come they did. The next change of midwife along with them - Sarah, she assured us that she would deliver our baby along with a colleague. We contacted a friend to bring our baby in a teddy bear from home - Martin's teddy bear as a child. The pains continued and Martin spent the time crouched at my head, his eyes never leaving mine. Throughout this time there were visitors arriving, our baby had yet to be born and people were already there for us. The contractions never subsided for a moment, in fact they came so fast I had no time to speak between one leaving and the next arriving, 'so it happens quickly' Martin was informed by Sarah. The entinox was taken from me to encourage me to concentrate on pushing. Only a few pushes from the end, I had a moment of realisation and felt I could push no more. My protestations caused Martin to raise his voice to me - the first time - EVER! His helpless attempt at encouraging me. We both knew the outcome was something we would prefer never to face. A push and our baby's head was born - 'We don't need a post-mortem' Martin said 'It's the cord, I can see from here'. One final push and Our Little Man Jacob arrived. It was 10.55a.m. on March 21st 2007. Sarah cut his cord and they wrapped our little boy in a towel and handed him to us, he was perfect. He weighed 6lb 12 and a half ounces, he was long, and had big hands and big feet. His cord was around his neck twice, over his face, down his back and around his feet. The remainder even then was longer than usual cords. No wonder he was tangled up. His nose was squashed closed on one side and a tiny purple bruise ran down the side. His cord must, I feel, have been there quite some time. He was pink and he was warm and he looked asleep, Our Baby Jacob- born sleeping. We had pondered for months on a name for a boy, a girl we always knew but a boy was more difficult, we changed our minds a few times but eventually it was settled, by Christmas it was decided. He was to be Jacob Sidney. Jacob Sidney Lake. The staff left, there was nothing to be done. They left us alone with our dearly loved baby for the short time we would be able to spend with him. They never intruded and only came when called, other than an ocassional head around the door to check if we wanted anything. There was only the one thing in the whole world that we wanted and no-one could give us that. From then on the people came. They came to hold him, and to hold us. They came beacuse they love us and they would have loved Jacob the same. The parents all came, from Devon and everywhere else, the children, the families and the friends. They trooped in one after another and at times the room was full. Annie, arrived with the teddy and two other friends that she had needed as support to enter our empty, silent house, to help cross the threshold of the newly decorated little room, complete with cot, toys and tiny clothes. Someone suggested dressing Jacob and suddenly they were all gone. It was a private moment for our little boy with his Mummy and Daddy. Martin dressed our son for the only time. We had some quiet moments holding each other and Jacob. The disbeleif and numbness masquerading as calm. The silence so memorable, so heart wrenching. The freinds and the families all came back and for that day they drifted in and out the whole day, the combinations I can no-longer remember. The drugs blurred much of the day. Jacob had his photo taken with almost everyone who came. Creating the only memories we will ever have of our baby. Everyone cried, everyone wept I think without exception, everyone in such a state of disbelief - how can this have happened to us? We will ask forever. The last visitors of the day were my girls, his two oldest sisters, one nervous, one holding out her arms for him. During the afternoon another shift change - darling Jackie was back. How we felt she held us together, we will love her forever. And finally everyone was gone. What next? To leave? To walk away from your child forever? Surely something no-one should ever have to do. The hardest thing there must be in the world. We placed Jacob quietly into the tiniest moses basket with his bear and we just held each other. Martin sat on one bed me on the other our knees touching and our hearts breaking. We wept and wept for I don't know how long. And then I said words no-one should ever have to - 'I don't know how to leave him' we shouldn't have to leave our baby, he should have been coming home. Home to his room, his clothes, his toys - his family, Jacob should be coming home. Martin also had no idea how we could walk out of the hospital without our baby. Jackie must have heard our tears. She gently tapped on the door, came in and held us both. Two souls broken, she cried so hard along with us - perhaps and angel. She tried to dispel my fears that I would forget how our baby looked. Told us she personally could promise that it would never happen. We explained we had no idea how to leave. Blessed Jackie -our angel talked us through things and somehow we found what we thought would be the only way. She passed me our precious baby and she left. Martin turned down the lights and in almost darkness I sat with our baby, our son in my arms on the bed and told him all about Nanny, my Nanny, to me the most wonderful woman in the world, who now would look after him. Told him all the tales she told me as children and how she loved us so, and how she would love him just the same. Martin tidied our things together and perhaps cried harder than he had in the two days. We then sat together and held our baby, our forever baby, Jacob Sidney Lake - born of the greatest loved and loved beyond all knowing. We placed Jacob back into his basket and Jackie once more appeared. She sent for another midwife to stay with Our Little Man while she walked us to the car. We walked out the room that held so much pain and left behind the most precious baby boy. Our perfect son, so beautiful. She held our hands and she stayed with us to the car park. She held us again and promised there would be a future and that if she could she would be part of it with us.